THE ULTIMATE EXPERIENCE
Come, sit with me, close your eyes, hold my hand, let's go far away from this place to the place in which you came from.
"I Didn't Change, I Remembered Who I Am"
When you begin to evolve, it's a beautiful thing to watch. Look inside of yourself and you will be in delight of how far you have come. To look back and see how much you have advanced, especially when you doubted making it, you can be nothing but grateful, filled with love.
I am Raquel and I remembered who I am.
Once upon a time, I knew who I was. As I grew up and became acquainted with the world and people in the world, I forgot. I lost my way and was engulfed in the physical aspects of this experience neglecting my spiritual responsibilities. I didn't understand that I would suffer greatly, ramifications beyond my imagination. I thought that I was living right and more than that I thought that I was in control.
Whenever something unfortunate would happen, I would just say, "I'll fix it." I even had words for what I would do if this happened or that happened, even when they hadn't happened. Woooo
(ah woo woo woo woo, (in Martin Lawrence's voice), but when they did happen, it proved just how underprepared I truly was. I learned who was in real control of my destiny.
At 27 years old, I had lupus and I had no idea that I did, at 30 I was diagnosed with this horrific potentially deadly disease, and I met many of it's severe potentials. I was living a poor lifestyle with my eating habits, social habits, and spiritual habits. I went to church, I prayed, not continuously, and I wasn't walking close to God and nurturing a personal relationship like I needed to be. I wasn't looking to my higher self for the way, for answers, or treating myself with kindness or lovingness. I didn't have any boundaries set in place for my life. I didn't monitor who was in my circle, in my life, in my business, and it showed. I kept the company of people who were supposed to be my friends, talking about my downfall as I began to loose everything that my husband and I worked hard for.
I wasn't handling my life like it mattered. I didn't treat my mind like it was a temple. I didn't use my body as a vessel for the Most High. I used my vessel for partying, drinking, gossiping, and desiring more.
I wasn't talking about the God that lives in me, and every other person that I meet. It doesn't matter where someone is on their journey, God still lives in them. We all have a higher self, even if we are ignoring it, and not tuning into it, it's there waiting on us, to give us the answers to support us, and guide us through.
I can remember a time before I was 5 years old when I believed that the world was full of kindness, and I still believe that now. Through my experiences growing up and especially in my teenage years and early adulthood, I didn't believe that anymore. And whatever we believe, will be true and prove to be true every time in our lives. My ego was in full control of my life. If someone crossed me the wrong way, I was ready to bite, fight, curse, or be in a confrontation with them. If someone talked ugly about me, I reacted in either confronting them or giving them the same energy back. I still had my sweet soul buried underneath, so I was not just a monster walking and waiting on a fight. I had to put up this tough exterior because I can been hurt, and I wasn't going to let you hurt me, right?
I had to conquer the enemies of jealousy in my marriage, anger for offenses that people had done to me, sadness over my childhood traumas, impatience in getting what I wanted, holding grudges forever, and being mean spirited because of my irritations. On top of all of this mess, I had to conquer the unpleasant conversations and defeating self-talk that I had going through my mind. The poor little ole me.
Once I was put in check by the Universe and placed on a path to healing, I began to really understand why I was stricken with dis-ease. Yes I had been exposed to massive environmental toxins from living by the ship channel in Houston, and my father's agent orange, mercury poisoning, other toxins and chemicals, a standard American diet, and extreme childhood stress, but so have other people and they weren't stricken with dis-ease. I was an athlete so that should have saved me, right? Wrong! Childhood traumas correlate to chronic illnesses. But even through all that I was exposed to, I allowed my mind to leave me from who I really was.
I remember when I knew who I was. Before I had an attitude of if you do it to me, then I will do it to you. This is not the way of our highest nature, our one true nature. This is not how we came. This is the physical worldly influence and way, and it is allowing the lowest energies into our field to take control.
I am grateful that I was brought to my knees of what am I to do? I am glad that I had to ask the Most High for help. If you have ever experienced extreme physical pain for a continuous amount of time, you will be asking for help from a higher power. Even if you don't believe in higher powers, God, any name for God, because there are many, you will be calling out for help. You will not want to die like that.
I was placed on a path of healing all of which I accumulated throughout the years, gathering trash, bad habits, offenses, terrible self talk, and toxic conversations. I was working a job that wasn't in line with my purpose. Even though I am happy that I had the experience to work there and gain beneficial knowledge and skill, it was not my purpose. I know now that I am here to fulfill a Divine purpose.
We can get caught up in this physical experience, in relationships, in our careers, hobbies, and material things, and forget our true nature, and why we came. Haven't you ever wondered why you came? I started to ask these questions as I lost control of my body, and I had the worse case scenarios happen to me with lupus. I spent every month of the year of 2008 hospitalized, and I look back, and all I see is fear. I see me standing on the ledge of jumping or turning back to keep trying, to keep going, to want to live.
In the darkest times, I gained the greatest strength. I crawled out of the darkest holes to the brightest lights again, and again. I learned to walk inside of the Great Spirit. I heard the most inspiring stories of how people healed from severe diseases like cancer just from having faith and knowing that they were healed. I met my life saver, meditation. I met and I am continuing to meet some awesome people. I fell in love with my introverted nature, and I stopped allowing people to pull me outside of it, with their comments, opinions, and guilt trips. That doesn't work anymore, I will just disconnect from them now. I put forth boundaries internally and externally, and that raised my vibration keeping people who are not serious away. I had to go through getting my heart broken from people passing through my life. I still love, I don't have barriers, I have boundaries.
I would write sometimes and get distracted, and stop. I know what my some of my purposes are. I feel like the Divine has more purposes in store for me, and I am excited and grateful about them. I know that the things that I have experienced made me wiser so that I could be a vessel for The Most High to help someone else. I was sparred even when I wanted to leave, I was given the chance to stay. I didn't really want to go, I just wanted the pain to stop.
Much of the pain that I have experienced have been fueled by my own thoughts, listening to other people's opinions and words of me and my family. Holding onto hurt and offenses, instead of forgiving them even if they aren't sorry. Forgiveness is for you. Telling myself that something was too good for me, even if I wasn't saying it with my words, I was saying it with my actions.
It is the most empowering feeling to remember who you are. To remember that you are Divine and that you have supernatural powers. To remember that you are love first, you are loved, and that your ego is a false sense of self. To remember why you came, to remember who you are.
Remember why you came.
Thanks for reading,
I am grateful for you!
Raquel Givens Jones
Dancer, Author, Blogger, Poet, Writer, Radio, Dog Lover, Yogi,
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